7 replies to this topic

[1via]

car ad

stole this of silviawa. thought it was pretty funny

[V8EATER]

Thats a ripper Jess Funny as. Someones a comedian.

[Hanaldo]

Lol that's gold. That seller is actually awesome though, I've read some of his other ads. They are all just as funny as that one.

[2LV8ETR]

This is his ad for a Suzuki Vitara:

For those that may be considering buying this car, please remember that it is old and has done a few k's. The only major issue is the driver's side window winder mechanism, but who really cares when the roof can come off. There is no rust in it, but there is some clear peeling off the bonnet on the left hand side, and some from the right hand guard. There is an oil leak from the distributor, but this is common on these motors. It hasn't been de-greased or filled with stop leak, it is a very honest bomb.
I know there are only a couple of photos of this beautiful car at the moment, but consider it the sealed section of the automotive market!
This nice little car is a little bit like an egg: hard on the outside, but soft below the surface. On the outside, it looks like a serious 4WD, with big tyres, a bull bar and even a tow bar. But on the inside it's a 1.6L four cylinder automatic with air conditioning. Getting into this car for the first time is a bit like watching that vital scene from 'The Crying Game': You thought the car was just the right ticket, until you found out what was beneath the clothes.
It's not like I have anything against automatics. I even have a copy of REM's 'Automatic for the People'. I just think that any automatic transmission that isn't coupled to a V8 or larger should be treated with suspicion. I know they have come a long way from the miserly two speeds of the '60s, but tiny motors and heavy cars really don't suit a slush box.
I don't like being told what to do, and when some aluminium cased box of gears and friction plates tells me that it's time to change up, I really get pissed off. I will decide when it's time to change gears and sometimes I'm right. So the old smarty-pants automatic transmission isn't my best friend, and for that reason I can no longer keep the Vitara.
This car has been stranded on a farm for the last six months, milking cows, collecting the mail and talking about the weather – all those important farm jobs. As a result, it's pretty dirty and would not make it through even the first episode of 'Farmer Wants a Wife'. In fact it's so dirty that I've been too lazy to clean it, hence only some outside shots of the beast.
I have driven this thing on at least four 400 Km round trips and it hasn't missed a beat. Despite that, I'm not going to publicly say that the car is reliable and will never let you down, because I simply can't predict the future or guarantee that one of the 1,258 moving parts within the car won't actually fail. But it really hasn't let me down. When you think about it, the car is about as simple as a slice of bread. There is no fuel injection, so therefore no chance of the 20 or so sensors related to EFI failing on you in the middle of nowhere. The only slight reliability issue with this car is that it can't be clutch started. Even if you put a clutch pedal in it, it still can't be clutch started because it's a stinken automatic. And when you have as many flat batteries lying around the house as I do, the last thing you need is a machine which requires a charged one.
All that said, this is a great starting point for someone who wants to own a 4WD, but only has one leg, or can only drive an automatic. It has a few faults, but nothing that you can't turn a blind eye to. The driver's window winder and its associated mechanism is missing, but the window remains up. This could be a problem if the roof doesn't come off, but on this Vitara the roof can be taken off in a matter of minutes, or hours if you're hopeless at taking things apart. The thing around the gear shift that tells you what position the gear lever is in is also missing, but unless you're a woman, you don't need to look at the gear shift every time you move it. It doesn't have a stereo any more, because some loser stole it.
I have to say that driving this car is relaxing. I don't think it's the automatic that does it, nor do I think that it's due to the carbon monoxide entering the cabin through the hole in the rear of the soft top. I think it's relaxing because you know you will never win a race. If you've driven the manual version, which is about as exciting as going to the dentist and being told you need an injection, then you can liken this to root canal therapy. The only thing this Vitara saves you from is RSI in the left arm because you can just leave it in drive for a week if you need to go anywhere.
Aside from my brutal honesty in describing this car, it really is a good buy and if I had a driveway which fitted more than five cars, I'd keep it. With the 15” rims that it has on it, tyres are cheap. You can even make your own tyres out of icing sugar and turps, but they don't last long.
Just how good these things are as 4WDs may be a little hard to believe, but with a bit of your imagination and all of mine, let me give you an example:
One day, I took this thing for a quiet drive down the road. I had intended on taking it for a noisy drive, but without a stereo or any form of engine capacity, I was already on an uphill battle.
I rounded a bend and there was a guy standing there, with a moustache and short denim shorts. He waved me down and told me that he had accidentally driven his BMW 318i over the edge of the road and that his partner Nigel was trapped. Episodes of Skippy flashed through my mind and I immediately pictured the car catching on fire and the resulting scrub fire wiping out ranger headquarters. I sprang into action and pulled out the three packets of Oral B dental floss which I had earlier purchased on special from Coles. Remembering an episode of Man V Wild, I started braiding the dental floss but after a few seconds ended up with a birds nest tangle. I decided to throw the dental floss away and use the snatch straps instead. I scaled down the embankment and came across Nigel, trapped in the passenger's side of the car by his Gucci sunglasses. I told him that everything was going to be okay, and that my Vitara was here to help. I tethered the cheap snatch strap to the BMW and scaled the two metre cliff to the roadway. I put the Vitara into emergency ultra low range every single wheel drive and without the slightest hesitation, the bull bar pulled off the Vitara. I then attached the strap to a more solid part of the car and found that the windscreen wiper was more than enough to pull the BMW from the scrub.
Gavin and Nigel were over the moon and both wanted to buy the Vitara from me. However not having the rego papers with me stopped me from making a rash decision.
So the car is not just your average 4WD. It is a Fanta in Red Bull's clothing. If you've never owned a hair dryer without a hot setting, or never owned a VCR without fast forward, then this is the car for you. Buy something that scares you, maybe.

[2LV8ETR]

We'll stick his other one here before eBay deletes it:

A very successful real estate agent once told me that lowering the reserve price of something will encourage bidding. Fortunately I didn't listen to him. Anyway, let me get this clear: The car is actually good despite its colour. It doesn't blow smoke, everything works and it runs very well. What more could you ask for at that price? An iPhone I guess. Despite not taking the real estate agent's advice, I have lowered the starting price of this car by a full one hundred dollars and one cent. Even thrown in a full tank of fuel which should last you about nine years if you never drive the car.
If you thought muscle cars were a thing of the past, think again. This Mazda is probably one of Japan's most formidable street machines. In fact, Subaru were lucky that these little boxes were produced before the first WRX, because it gave Subaru something to strive for.
On first glance you may just think that this is just another Japanese girly car, aimed at practicality and economy. You're right. But what Mazda put into these was a level of technology matched only by Casio calculators from the 1970s.
Not only does this car look sporty and powerful, it also has aerodynamics equivalent to a garden shed, enabling it to reach speeds well beyond 100,000 metres per hour. In fact, with a tail wind these things can go even faster, but a cross wind presents problems, especially after the car ends up on its roof.
from the factory styled aerodynamics, this car is fitted with aftermarket speed dimples, known as 'dents'. Like a golf ball's dimples, the dents allow the 121 to travel even further when hit by a 9 iron.
One of the major problems you will have owning this car is that everyone wants to race you from the traffic lights. Even trucks. I know this because everyone takes off really quickly and when I catch up to them at the next set of lights, they pretend they weren't trying. In this 121, you have to be really careful with the throttle control as too much acceleration is likely to cause wheelspin, whereas anything below 3,000 RPM is likely to cause stalling. Driving in the wet is a real problem as far as traction goes, especially on wet grass or oiled steel plates. This truly is a driver's car (because no passengers are likely to get in it).
Although it appears massive, the exhaust is the original 3cm job. Mazda had to go up a size from the drinking straw used on the Mazda 1000s because of the radical cam timing used in the 121. When they put together the first B13 motor it was a twin cam job, but it was so powerful that the exhaust cam ended up getting blown out the exhaust and the inlet cam often ran away in fear of the pistons. So they stayed with a single cam version and threw out 8 valves in order to lighten the car up even further. The motor produces almost as much power as four high quality split system air conditioners, which when coupled to the advanced five speed transmission and front wheel drive provides enough power to charge a mobile phone.
Mazda tried desperately to dress down the 121, including the fitment of 13” wheels just to take away that guard filling look of the bigger 14” rims. They didn't compromise on width though, this car has tyres as wide as a shopping trolley with a rubber compound to match. Without such huge road hugging bags, this car would not be able to handle the race tuned suspension that it is fitted with, in fact it may even have a small sway bar somewhere. Mazda also kept the bumper bars a different colour to the car, because with such curvy styling some may not have been able to tell where the car started and ended. Ford's Australian Taurus from the mid 90's is a classic example of a car which has no front and no back. The seats in that car can swivel 360° so that it can be driven in either direction. Mazda didn't want the same problem with the 121, so they put a slight angle in the roof of the car where it meets the front windscreen.
To give you some idea of the way this car performs, let me relate a recent road incident I was involved in:
I was traveling along the freeway minding my own business, when suddenly a Mercedes ML63 AMG came up beside me and the middle aged driver nodded at me with his leather jacket and Armani sunnies on. It was on. I was in third gear getting ready for a steep climb up the hill so I thought I'd give the big AMG a head start. Off we went. I planted my foot to the floor and the scenery started to blast past me (admittedly it was painted on the side of a garden supplies pantech). I think I saw the same AMG about an hour later, pulled over outside a cafe with the driver reading the Financial Review and sipping on a soy latte. I blew the horn and accelerated in a cloud of tyre smoke, which may have been attributed to the container of baby powder I had run over.
That was the closest race I've had in the 121, in fact for a few seconds, I could almost read the rear number plate of the AMG. I learned from that incident that losers should never give winners a head start, so now I just drive off before lights even turn green. Sure, I've caused a few taxis to peel their retreads off trying to avoid me, but the satisfaction of winning the race to the other side of the intersection is worth it.
This 121 isn't just built for speed. It is also built for practicality. The rear seats fold down providing enough room for a stampede of rats to be carried in comfort. You could even fit a fridge in if you could buy one small enough. I've even picked up a few models in the 121, including a ship in a bottle. It doesn't have a towbar purely because scientists haven't come up with a material strong enough to withstand the forces encountered when the clutch is dropped. The car is so powerful that they even had to leave out back doors because they were afraid the car would pull apart at the seams like my last pair of trackie dacks.
Parking is simple in this car. In fact, it is so light that it can be parked on top of a Subaru Liberty if the Subaru is fitted with Rhino racks. Some people even take their 121 into the shopping centre with them and save on putting $2 into an Aldi trolley. Once when I went to Newtown for dinner, there were so few parking spots that I put the 121 on a Marickville bus for only $1.20 and picked it up later.
It has a turbo button which can be handy sometimes, especially when the guy next to you on the Yamaha R1 wants to drag you. It has to be used with caution because depending on your body weight, you could brake the backrest of the seat under acceleration. I liken it to nitrous oxide, but without the reality. It works by having the air conditioning on most of the time, but when you need an added burst of power, just turn it off and away you go. I reckon you pull an extra half a kilowatt out of the beast with the turbo boost feature.
You may also notice that this model is the 'Shades' series. The Shades was Mazda's codename for the Small Hatch And Definitely Enough Speed project, where they attempted to set a world record by mass producing the worlds best selling flat pack car. Ikea would have taken on the Shades project, but the engineers could not make fasteners strong enough to keep all the panels together, so they abandoned that aspect of the project and Mazda produced the 121 from recycled CRT computer monitors instead, maintaining the classic lines.
If you're after that discreet look where nobody notices you, this isn't the car for you. It's like riding a Ducati 998 up to a motocross track when you park this thing somewhere. People will stare, some will even want to touch it, some may be jealous. But like fame, after a while you get used to it (apparently). The best thing I've found for avoiding attention when driving this beast around, is to park next to a car with similar formidable characteristics, like a Daihatsu Charade.
For those interested in the minor details, the car is registered in NSW until next March, almost a year away. For a cat, that would be like having almost seven years worth of rego.
It doesn't have power steering because as you can see from the colour, it was built for only the toughest of drivers.
It is not fuel injected, but still manages to run on the smell of an oily rag; provided the oily rag is left in the fuel tank and covered in 20L of unleaded petrol.
Everything works as it should, even the brakes slow you down.
Mechanically it is fine, there is no rust and the tyres are near new.
With GT Falcons and HK Monaros going for many of thousands of dollars, this may just be your chance to buy on of Japan's true muscle cars before there are less than 4.3 million of them left.

[MikeyGee]

hahahahha holy shit thats gold

[NA_Goodness]

That's awesome. Is this the same guy selling the Trike?

[Hanaldo]

Lol yeh Rhys, same guy